I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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