Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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