I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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