Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
