The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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