Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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