apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
