I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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