Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
