jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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