one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
