On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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