Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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