M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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