im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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