Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
