Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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