I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
