you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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