I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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