i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
