I just threw up on my dentist
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
you win again, gameday.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
