i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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