people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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