She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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