Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
