i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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