Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
