Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
