It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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