I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Girls should come with a carfax report
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
