I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
