And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
