I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
