Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
