I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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