You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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