I wish I could teleport
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
