EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
