not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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