I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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