Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
