I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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