I'm sorry my penis didn't work
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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