even my farts smell like vagina
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
