Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
