How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
