dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
