You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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