just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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