Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
