please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
4 words: hood of his car
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
