i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
