based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
