By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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