I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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